In flux
Imagine a car ride on a bumpy road. The potholes, the speed breakers, the moronic drivers who refuse to obey traffic rules.....imagine it all. Imagine yourself navigating your way through all of that...on and on and on.
My days are like that now. I feel tired just to think about the alertness with which I witness my own life. The resilience with which the human spirit bounces back into the fighting ring and takes punches to the face has become an accepted fact though somewhat exhausting.
Just last week I was reeling from the news of a gruesome death of an acquaintance. The morbidity and gore associated with the event filled my mind and all I could think of was blood, guts and a life flashing away.
Then other events filled my mind...and I concentrated on activities more than thoughts for a while. A state of constant motion (almost Brownian) where I detested sitting still and could not do restful tasks like reading. A need to keep talking to others, to be in their company, to keep myself occupied. A lot of planning...a lot of looking ahead at things and events that are in my control. Reminding myself that there are things that I can still change, mould and modify....aspects of my own life that I dictate!
At the end of this crest will come a trough. Inevitable and crashing. I know it. It always happens. The ups and downs are not literally manic or depressive but the bumpy car-ride does get me nauseated sometimes and I feel the intense urge to open the doors and jump out.
My days are like that now. I feel tired just to think about the alertness with which I witness my own life. The resilience with which the human spirit bounces back into the fighting ring and takes punches to the face has become an accepted fact though somewhat exhausting.
Just last week I was reeling from the news of a gruesome death of an acquaintance. The morbidity and gore associated with the event filled my mind and all I could think of was blood, guts and a life flashing away.
Then other events filled my mind...and I concentrated on activities more than thoughts for a while. A state of constant motion (almost Brownian) where I detested sitting still and could not do restful tasks like reading. A need to keep talking to others, to be in their company, to keep myself occupied. A lot of planning...a lot of looking ahead at things and events that are in my control. Reminding myself that there are things that I can still change, mould and modify....aspects of my own life that I dictate!
At the end of this crest will come a trough. Inevitable and crashing. I know it. It always happens. The ups and downs are not literally manic or depressive but the bumpy car-ride does get me nauseated sometimes and I feel the intense urge to open the doors and jump out.
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